as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I am mentally ready for anal.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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