All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
