Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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