My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
