I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
