she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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