That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Randomize
