yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
