How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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