What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
