It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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