I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
