She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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