I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
