What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
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He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
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It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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