I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
