dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
