dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
