Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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