I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
