We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
