dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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