I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
