drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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