i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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