people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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