I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Operation Purity has been aborted
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
