So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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