dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
