I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
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