i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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