But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
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