but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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