omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
