Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
