I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
my poor anus
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
