Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
