Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
