So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
They are going to name an STD after you.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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