After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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