got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
