My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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