she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Randomize
