I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
