Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
