Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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