I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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