he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
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We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
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Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize