franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
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he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
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dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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