4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
