If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize