I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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