My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
