Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
