sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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