There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
