We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
