I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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